June 14, 2013
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I Don’t Want To Feel Like This Tomorrow
I kept hoping something miraculous would happen
so I wouldn’t have to write the words to the story for another day.
Not that something miraculous couldn’t still happen,
I’ve experienced too much in my life to not be open to supernatural occurrences.God is a constant in my life, but in the area of physical healing,
I have yet to experience wondrous and glorious things.Am I angry?
Not at the moment, but you never know what a few minutes will bring. I have had many seasons of *kick grumble spit* over the years. And that is okay. Really, it is. Don’t ever let anyone tell you it’s wrong to be angry with God. Merited or not, He can handle it. Even if you never admit it or release it, He knows.
I was born with digestive issues. Literally from day one of my life, I have been unable to have a functioning stomach and colon. It was diagnosed as Crohn’s Disease. Some say it is an autoimmune issue. Some say it is diet. Some say it is stress. But they really don’t know.
Some Crohnies have semi-success with clean eating. I have not. I now allow myself some play room with food, since discovering over the years that consuming even just liquids, doesn’t heal my colon.
I’ve been really hard on myself over the years. Trying to cure an incurable disease is an endless and frustrating cause. I’ve had to continuously remember to not hold onto irrational guilt. And to not release all things unholy onto well meaning friends, family, strangers who swear by the latest snake oil, THIS WILL HEAL YOU.
And of course, I am an idiot, if I do not try it.
Like I want to be sick. *rolling my eyes*
Like I enjoy vomiting up the scrambled eggs I tried to eat for breakfast.
Or being so weak because I cannot conceive putting one more thing in my mouth only to leave me curled up in my bed from the pain and nausea.
And of course, it’s always a blast trying to birth buffalo through an inflamed colon, hoping the people in the next room can’t hear me.
I look at it this way; if someone was born with a defective arm, would they expect them to grow a new one?
Yes, I do believe there are many conditions out there that can be improved, even cured, and we should do all that we can to ensure a better quality of life.
For the last 48 years I have tried every snake oil, natural supplement and chemical med known to man. Because, when you stop trying, you lose hope.
And to be honest, it’s not the snake oil, the natural supplements or chemical meds that have kept me going,
but what is already inside of me.Vision.
Dream.
Picturing myself doing the things that are in me to do.
Some might say that is setting myself up for failure,
that I need to accept my physical limitations
and deal with it.
But, the thought of living this way until I die is dangerous.Depression sinks in, burying life while it is still breathing.
You all have witnessed the chaos over the last few months,
I’m giving up my dog rescue.
No, I’m not.
I’m letting go of my horses.
No, I can’t.Moving to Arizona.
Staying in Oklahoma.I have no freaking idea.
It’s okay.
You can laugh.
It’s what gets me through.I’ve never found myself in such a place of indecisiveness.
I’ve always known what I wanted and just went for it.My feet seem unable to move,
to take steps to anywhere.
But, at the same time,
there is this need to move forward.But, I have no idea the direction.
Even though Crohn’s is a physical disease, it chemically imbalances the brain, leaving one to feel quite unstable. And I’m sure my ability to laugh in its presence, confirms the madness.
One of the most difficult struggles for me is not the obvious issues of digestion, but the emaciation of the muscles in my legs. Two of the things I love most in this world, hiking and horseback riding require healthy muscles. Though I can *hike* the trails with the help of my Hunky, riding a horse is a little more complicated. It can be dangerous on a horse without the strength of those muscles.
It’s what contributes to your balance and ability to cue your horse.
With the use of a chair and the assistance of my son, I was able to mount my mare, Red Bull. It felt good to climb onto her back and feel closer to the sky. She allows me to fly.
Our ride only lasted about fifteen minutes, it’s all my legs could handle. The spasms in my muscles lasted for about two hours, but it was worth it.
Sometimes we just need to do the things we can’t do.
Because that’s where the glory is.
Comments (29)
I can’t imagine dealing with that all my life… and I’m addicted to food. Can’t imagine it being torture to eat and digest. I’m glad you’ve kept on going with your vision. You’ve certainly been a blessing to all of us here, not to mention your kids and your animals. And your husband looks like a happy guy…
Blessings to you.
The laughing in the face of it is what keeps you sane. Keep on laughing and fighting and kicking, spitting and grumbling, Tamy!
I keep looking at the little dogs in the picture and wondering what they’re thinking. Cactus Jack probably told them, “Look what she’s doing to Red. She’s gonna sit on you next.”
Yay for being able to get on a horse.
So glad you were able to ride! Sometimes it’s the small things that keep us from going over the edge. I totally get the frustration over your body not allowing you to do what you want or need to do. I keep praying and asking God for a miracle. It’s the only hope I have.
I don’t want you to feel that way either. God bless you, hugs!
I think it’s kinda funny that you named your mare red BULL
Ride when you can, hike when you can, just don’t ever give up, we never know what tomorrow will bring, Plus we all need you, we’re a needy bunch of peoples. ilym
I remember when I was sick, talking to you so encouraged me because I knew that you walked in those shoes. I pray for healing to come, I love you so.
Hi Tamy, you have my complete empathy. I can especially relate to this;
“And I’m sure my ability to laugh in its presence, confirms the madness.” I totally get that.
That, and I get it about the birthing buffalo and being glad when I am in my own empty house to do so.
I also get it about the fatigue that takes over muscle from not eating… and the struggle with no longer being able to do the things you love. You are quite right, riding horseback could prove dangerous.
The indecisiveness… God will let you know when… it will come. You are so lucky you have ‘hunky’ to lean on.
Blessings and (((hugs))) to you,
Lynn
This is sad, sorry you have been dealt a rough hand. Your spirit is strong, so I hope they find a cure soon. *fingers crossed*
I believe in miracles – and I read your blog and think you have been part of so many miracles! Maybe being an instrument of God’s grace in the lives of so many is part of the whole thing. Maybe your laughter and fight is part of the gift… I’m working with a PI that is looking at the genetic component of IBS and related issues (Crohns included). No big break through – yet. Hope lives.
Hope you can ride again tomorrow to build up those muscles… I’m guessing I wouldn’t least even 15 min!
I can’t walk in your shoes… so my empathy is not totally pure. However, I did hurt for you, reading this… and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your honesty. Much of what you shared (emotions, etc.) did resound with me so greatly I felt an inner yell of “YES!” when I read it… simply because it’s nice to know I’m not alone. Thank you, for putting this up… and I am so glad you got to ride.
sniff. and hooray for the ride. also, the decision will come when it’s the right time.
I agree with what everybody else has said. I knew you were often sick, but I didn’t realize how bad it was. Keep laughing. Thank you for your honesty.
I can’t even imagine the difficulties you’ve lived with all your life. I applaud your willingness to write about it and hope that getting the words out is helpful.
I really love your write-ups guys continue the good work.
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@wildwomanofthewest – When I was 12 years old, I acquired morning sickness. I was neither pregnant, nor sexually active but I got to the point where I couldn’t eat breakfast, anymore. I was fine during the rest of the day but I would constantly vomit my cereal or eggs, bacon, and toast in the morning. Then, my grandfather (when he was alive) introduced me to yogurt. Most of my family (including my mother) never liked yogurt. Once I started eating it, I was able to stomach food in the morning again. I can’t remember what the doctors on the show, The Doctors said, but there’s something about yogurt, that can settle a person’s stomach.
Anyway, it took me years to be able to eat something in the morning, again. I think I was in my 20′s, when I started being able to eat cereal and a bacon, egg, and cheese biscuits or croissants, again. Try eating some yogurt, if you haven’t already, and see if it helps a little.
Just wanted to let you know I have something to say to all this. But it will take me a bit to get to it. My own health issues slammed me out of nowhere last night starting with severe chest pains and I just can’t focus enough for deep articulation at the moment. But for now I can say I absolutely, totally get where you are coming from. It’s like you read my mind. More later. *hugs*
Don’t give up! I can’t say I know what it feels like to be in your shoes, but I can tell from your entry that it’s very painful and at times lonely. Keep track of medical journals on your disorder and don’t give up hope!
Wow…….you are amazing! Praying for you!
I’ve known a couple of “Crohnies.” I am so sorry that you have to deal with that.
I love that you don’t give up. I love that you laugh – I don’t think that makes you crazy; I think that God gave us a sense of humour to keep us from going insane.
The way I see it, not giving up your rescues, not giving up your horses, and riding – even if it WAS only a few minutes, you were flying! – and laughing… that’s you, standing up to it all. That’s you. Strong.
You are so my hero.
I understand totally your sadness , Tamy, and for a couple of years I feel this . But , please , do not give up. But I know you will never give up .
Love
Michel
i salute you for your bravery and strength. i can’t imagine what i would do if i were in your shoes.
I’m so glad someone else on this earth gets it…that we CAN be angry at God and tell him so. He CAN take it. He’s GOD. I’ve tried sharing that with a few people over the years and they look horrified that I would even consider ranting at God.
Crohns…I wish I could say something wise and comforting, but there is nothing of the sort to say. I watched a friend in college go through it. He actually experienced the healing of a flare, on the spot, while we prayed over him. And then he drove home to show his doctor. But it came right back. So a mini miracle didn’t make his lifestyle any easier. His girlfriend’s parents made her dump him…so she ended up marrying a guy they approved of who ended up beating her and going to prison for it. I still think she and Nelson could have made a good life. Anyway, I’m rambling. I just wish I could make it all better.
I’ve been reading you for a couple months now, but haven’t commented. I enjoy your style, your stories, your wit. I wanted to comment on this entry because — my daughter has Crohn’s disease. She was diagnosed at age 9, is now 29, and has had 9 surgeries. She’s been blessed with remission for several years now but we know there is no cure and it could come back at any time. It’s a horrendous, painful, nasty disease, which affects different people in different ways. That’s sometimes frustrating, because everyone seems to have an opinion about it – if they had some relative with Crohn’s who had it fairly easy, they think you’re exaggerating the symptoms. At any rate, while I feel blessed that my daughter is reasonably healthy for now, I’ve known many who have been as ill as you — and my heart goes out to you. At the same time, I’m in awe of you and your family — the love just shines through your blogs. Hugs.
@Roadkill_Spatula - Despite me, yes, he’s a pretty happy guy.
I love food, but have developed such a fear of it.
@saintvi - haha, actually, they are saving me from the horses. Whenever I am near the horses, they go into warrior mode. They are warning me the horses are a danger. They are warning the horses that they will indeed kick horse butt, if need be.
@Thatslifekid - It was so wonderful having that time with Red again.
@SealedbyGrace - Exactly. Those smalls things hold such glorious power.
@Tempguestbrief - Thank you, Rhonda. Yesterday was a bit better. Trying a new natural herb today. Hoping it will bring relief for better tomorrows.
@mlbncsga - You are wonderful soul. I cannot even begin to tell you how many times you have made me smile, cry or bust a gut laughing. Thank you.
@seedsower - Thank you, Beth. May healing come quickly, because this cowgirl has things to do!
@JstNotherDay - He will, Lynn. I truly believe when we are unsure of making major life changes, He protects our timing until we have confidence, it is indeed, the direction we want to take. I love that.
@seven45 - Thank you for hoping with me.
@murisopsis - It felt good to read that someone I know, knows someone who is actively doing research. Thank you.
You are strong, you could handle riding way longer than 15 minutes!
@Passionflwr86 - We may walk in different shoes, but our paths are very similar. I’m pretty sure you know this pain. Thank you, Meg, for your continued support and willingness tor each out.
@promisesunshine - I believe that, truly.
@ata_grandma - Laughter, I honestly would not survive with it.
@vickyvix - Thank you. It does allow me to identify my emotions and tend to them.
@RealistMe - I am assuming they told you to eat yogurt for the probiotic benefit. I do take a good liquid probiotic to help balance the gut flora. I am so glad you have found relief in your life!
@BohemianLotus - I so know you get it. Rest and focus on your own health. May today be better, for the both of us.
@elainer7124 - Thank you for your kind words. I am trying a new natural herb today. Too much to do in life to give up.
@atticusfin - Amazing, not so much. Stubborn is probably a better description.
@rainydaystay - Thank you, Macy.
@SamsPeeps - You made me cry. Again.
Thank you.
@fauquet - Too much left this cowgirl wants to do to give up. Thank you. Michel.
@rudyhou - You would continue to walk. We all go through something tough. Thank you for your encouraging words.
@BigToePeople - That is so sad, so very sad.
Thank you for rambling, I like it, it comes from the heart.
@AmyinVA - Thank you so much for commenting. I am so thankful your daughter has found a long season of remission. Let us hope the last surgery made good things happen! And thank you for taking the time to share those encouraging words to be and my family.
@WildWomanOfTheWest - you share with honesty and grace which is amazing……and nothing wrong with being stubborn (this being said by someone who gives new meaning to the word)
@atticusfin -
@WildWomanOfTheWest - Hmm. I never thought about that. All I know is that my grandfather was the only 1 to introduce me to yogurt. Thanks!