Life
she’s a female dog
and when her teeth take hold
of your backside,
she can leave the mark of the beast.

I may need a rabies shot.

Winter Scavenger Hunt
#2 Write a poem entitled Dog Bite.

Seven dollar Hilton eggs
hens should be outraged
must be seasoned with gold dust

whopping six fifty a pop
Jack Daniels whiskey
a loaded drunk would go broke

a bowl of steaming oatmeal
full of plump raisins
I think I will save my ten bucks

No valet parking at the waffle house.

Winter Scavenger Hunt #40
Write 12 haiku about food.

Here are my first three for #40, from the downtown Austin Hilton. Cowgirl is used to the simple comforts of the Holiday Inn Express, complimentary breakfast buffet, no tipping and free in-room WiFi.  Can you believe the Hilton charges $14.95 a day for access to their internet?  Per COMPUTER.  I loves me a bit of luxury every now and then, but this causes my frugal to tilt.  Thankfully this is a business trip and the majority will be covered.  Not for sure how MM rubs elbows so easily with the professionals.  When we walked into the lobby, me in my raggedy jeans and boots, I felt like a hooker he had picked up in Amarillo.  Yes, you may laugh. 

edit: I am laughing so hard right now. When I came onto xanga this morning, I realized I had flipped my haiku. Instead of 5-7-5, for whatever reasons, I went 7-5-7.  No wonder it didn’t feel right, felt so forced.  I am totally blaming it on being in the city. Too many buildings blocking my mojo. 

I have much to tell you.

My soul of souls has questioned much these past few days.

It has

listened

thrown fits

denied

gave up expired dreams

only to discover new paths

that were really only old paths

waiting for me to walk them.

I thought these paths were for much later,
my much later has come early.

I am ready to roll with it.
I’ve made my peace.

My body will now join my soul somewhere off the map.

No.  I am not dying.  Work with me people.  Put your snot rag away.

If you follow my Pinterest, you might have already figured it out.
But as always, a lot of dominoes have to fall into place.

update: I am now liquids only, it is finally bringing my digestive system some relief! I should be able to be around this coming week.  MM is taking me with him to Texas, while he meets with clients, I will be in the hotel room with lots of time on my hands.  I want to play in @anvilsandedelweiss Winter Scavenger Hunt. Check out the list and pick a few.  See you next week!

I was going to throw together an end of year blog review, but my butt-draggin’ self just doesn’t have the focus or energy right now to do it.  Instead, I thought maybe you mangy varmints could fill out my survey on your own blog.

Entertain me people.

1. In 2012, my blog was mainly a place to

a. release my emotion
b. create
c. encourage the peoples
d. all of the above
e. other ________
f. I have a blog?

2. My favorite blog post in 2012 and why.

3. A blog I read that challenged the way I think.

4. A blog I wrote when I was at a fork in the road.

5. My 2013 blog goal(s).

6. If my blog were a casserole, what kind would it be?

If you do use the survey, please tag me so I can read it!

update: Thank you for all of the wonderful holiday cards, my family was able to see so many of your beautiful faces! My health remains the same. The Paleo does not work for my system. Trying a few new things. Depression is wanting to take over, I  will let the dreams fight that fight.  Christmas with my tribe was a treat for my soul. A good day, indeed. I apologize for not being around much. Will be making some major life decisions these next couple of weeks. Do not give up on me.

Under the Oklahoma stars, a union was born.
John asked Emily to be his wife, and she has declared it to be a good thing.

Congratulations my lovies!

And You Mangy Varmints Have a Beautiful Christmas Day!

Yosemite Sami sets the schedule around here, so I am always up before light these days. There’s no convincing her otherwise. Sometimes I can actually get a few extra minutes by pretending I am still sleeping, but once I stretch or roll over, the jig is up. Sami’s alarm clock echoes off the walls.

I want to thank you all for giving me the grace to process this weekend’s events. For giving me my space, and letting me write the words, regardless the confusion. There is much I feel like telling you, but it might hurt the one who hurt me. So, I will not. I will process those aches privately.

I finally took a xanax last night. I needed to soften the energies I feel from across the miles. I would rather let it have its way, I feel I can handle it, but two of my girls flew in last night for Christmas break. They will need their mother’s positive energy. And I theirs.

They are in the next room, sleeping all nestled in their old beds. I wonder what that feels like. What memories and emotions it brings back for them to dream on pillows of girlhood youth. They are women now. I love this season in my children’s lives, where we get to embrace as friends. Though I will never shake the maternal, this is sweet.

I finally opened the mail yesterday. Oh you sweet mangy varmints. I love receiving your holiday greetings, seeing your family smiles. I needed it. Thank you.

I will wrap the few presents I have for the kids today, after I have pulled my girls close. We will be gathering this weekend to celebrate our Christmas together as more of the kids come out to the ranch. Andrew (youngest son) will be spending it with Jonae’ (daughter)and Drea (granddaughter) in Connecticut. In a sense, we will be spending it together. Maybe we can muster up enough redneck internet juice to Skype.

Now go forth and love.

 And for those of you who would like a bit of more Gungor, this is not the end. 

Weeping is not the same thing as crying.
It takes your whole body to weep, and when it’s over,
you feel like you don’t have any bones left to hold you up. 
~Sara Ockler

(edit) A few more notes to self: Crying is at an emotional level.
Weeping is from the soul. 

I find when soul weeps, sometimes there is no noise. It is silent, but draining. But healthy, still, I think.

I am feeling the deep maternal howls from across the miles. I feel her pull towards death. It is heavy, her call to stop the hurt. Though I can sense her ache, I do not know if she hears my words. I tell her to hold on.  

Healing. So different for each of us. No designated time, or technique. So raw at times, there are only groans. I tell her, I don’t know how you will live without your baby. And my soul embraces hers. I hope she feels it. 

Wild Woman

Even when everything else in the house is still, there is always the jingle of Sadie’s dog tags.  She is in constant movement.  Even in her sleep.  But not now.  Even Sadie is still, and sitting by my bedside.  She seems to be the one to know when I am hurting.  Maybe she is an empathic canine. I suppose they are out there.

I don’t watch the news, as an empath, it’s too overwhelming. But, one would have to live in a cave to not ever brush shoulders with the monsters in the world. 

And of course, we will blame the shooter,
the gun,
the one who sold the gun.

We will blame God,
and the devil, too.

We will blame one another.

We do these things in the presence of madness we don’t understand.
It’s how we mourn,
how we file things in their proper places.

Just takes longer to find a place to file the act of shooting five year olds.

During this time,
like Sadie,
let us pull a little closer to one another.

(edit) A few more words, thoughts, to maybe nudge myself towards understanding the incomprehensible.   I think the mind needs to find a way to explain these acts.  We feel helpless, so we naturally cast blame.  Even promoting our personal agendas, instead of maybe just embracing the wounded. 

In reality, all of us are only a DNA molecule or two away from responding to pain like the shooter.  Call it the luck of our genetic make-up.  It is the only reason we cannot fathom the whys.

It is why we call him evil, gutless, crazy.

We want to push him and his actions as far from our own likeness as possible.  We push him somewhere safe from our own monsters.  We push him far away from mirrors, into the street, for others to stone.  It’s kind of hard to stone a dead person, so we stone one another. 

Wild Woman

Out of respect for the lives lost, let this be a place of healing, a place to release hurting emotions without judgment, and not a place of debate.  I thank you.

(edit) I am going to try this again, disabling the comments. Thank you to the few of you who were able to show honor in this place.  I love you. It meant so much to me.

Seems there are a few bleeding hearts around here who think I am a little too rough on Elf Boy.  I say if he can’t handle the heat, don’t tickle the dragon.  Or a wicked wild woman when she’s cranky. 

Looks as though Elf Boy may be getting a break and go on that permanent vacation he’s been dreaming of this season.  Kathy over at @armnatmom has graciously offered a non-violent space on her shelf for him.  A place to frolic and play like all Christmas elves deserve.  Bahumbug. 

Since my non-compliant digestive system keeps me from functioning like a member of the human race, I am afraid my mean-streak is lacking and I will not be able to give Elf on the Redneck Shelf the integrity it so deserves.

So, this will be our farewell Elf on the Redneck Shelf post.  I want to thank all of you mangy varmints for being so enabling of my obsession.

To air hole or not air hole, that is the final question.

During barn chores this morning, Elf Boy asked if he could help feed the horses.  Never one to turn down help with chores, Meteorology Man threw him a bale of hay.

Good catch, dude.

Like OBL, I am struggling with counting my delights at the moment.  I do have them, but it’s hard to enjoy them from the confines of my bathroom.  Despite the Oklahoma wind finally gaining a bit of December chill, the sun continues to shine.  Thankfully, my bathroom has a window with a view.  DD#8

And when I tried to hop down from the bales of hay after taking the above shot, I did not break my leg. Only bloodied my left knee.  DD#9

Our Christmas cards arrived yesterday and Meteorology Man offered to address them for me!  Thank you Hunky.  Anyway, if you would like a Christmas card from the ranch, addressed by my Hunky, just private message me an address, if you haven’t already.  DD#10

*Elf on the Redneck Shelf will run through Christmas.  If you wish to view them all, just click on the elfontheredneckshelf tag.

*Delightful December: @BohemianLotus has challenged us to find something positive from each day during the month of December in hopes of creating healthy perspectives in our lives.